I have been suffering with a problem for nearly three years: I sigh - or yawn, or both - all day everyday. It may not sound like much, but believe me it is. 2008 & 2009 were the two worst consecutive years of my life. They drifted by like a grey daydream, and I had no idea of why or how to solve it. I was just… well it’s hard to explain. Sad is the emotion, but it’s not right. Unresponsive is probably better. It’s like my heart went slowly to sleep, and I descended into a prolonged emotional torpor from which there was no escape.
I spoke to therapists but because I had no problems with sleep or appetite, I was neither anxious or depressed and therefore hard to diagnose and help. I was just… grey. Flat. Lifeless.
I’ve done my best to suffer this in private, so as not to weary friends or embarrass colleagues. Doubtless some signs of it have come over the past few years, but mostly I’ve been upbeat and jovial in public, or as upbeat and jovial as I’ve ever been anyhow.
I am talking about this publicly for the first time for two reasons. Firstly, keeping it to myself is idiotic, I have realised. Problems don’t get solved by bottling them up. Secondly, it seems that I am finally emerging from this pit of melancholy. Since the summer of 2009 I have been improving. I have bad days, and I have good days, and occasionally I have landmark days, like today. Although I have been sighing today - it happens everyday - it’s been so light as to be almost unnoticable at times. I haven’t felt this light of heart since the problem first appeared, back in the summer of 2007.
I know how I finally managed to fight back, but I’m not going to discuss that here, for various reasons that should also go uncommented upon. I just want to publicly acknowledge that it is happening, and quietly express my gratitude that it seems - finally - to be on the wain.
And hopefully I can get back on with my life.